Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings: this series of paintings started as an attempt to create my first Limited Edition Prints: edition of 10. I wanted to have complete control over the process, so I used my own printer (with excellent quality inks) and print paper I normally use to paint my gouache paintings on. The result was amazing, as compared to the regular "giglee" prints that even "big names" in the print industry create. However, I was still not satisfied.

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings: Buy Art Prints!

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings as art prints: the following link is from my art gallery at Imagekind. You can buy these prints framed or as wrapped canvas (including the format and framing of your choice). This is an alternative to buying the more costly originals, and also a way to decide whether you would love to buy the original after all! Also, at Imagekind, you have the option of looking at every possible detail (as the images are in High Resolution).

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings: Creation Process

I looked at the prints and, the more I looked, the more I felt the urge to individualise each one of them: to bring them to life by...recreating them. And I did exactly that: I used the print as a "background" and started painting over each one of them. This over-painting technique was NOT a reviving technique using real gouache over. On the contrary, it was a different "point of view": a variant of the original theme. I became so engulfed by the process that, to me, I created 10 new originals! I have uploaded all of them on a single web page, so that you can observe them as clearly as I can observe them.

The theme here is obviously the same as that of the femme fatale : ultimate beauty used as a weapon of destruction. 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings: I paint because I desperately need this form of expression in order to heal myself from my demons. Music, especially piano performance, was the only medium that has had the most soothing effect on me for years: maybe that's the reason behind my choosing it as a career. They also say that music can calm even the wildest of beasts: that explains it, as I have always considered myself being a wild beast, a lonely wolf.

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings: for piano performance, my preferred composers are the ones who have suffered severe emotional pain in their lives: J.S. Bach, Beethoven, Schubert, Brahms, and Bartok. They are also the ones who composed Absolute Musik (absolute music), meaning without the need to use the thousands of 'effects' that the piano can create (the 'fluffy' stuff). 

My preference for this type of music was probably due to the fact that I could "hide" behind somebody else's pain, especially the pain of somebody as profound as Beethoven, for example. Spending thousands of hours trying to go deeper and deeper inside his music (slow movements!) felt not only logical to me, but also absolutely necessary. Reaching out to Beethoven's slow movements of the piano sonatas op. 110 and 106 (the schluchzen or sobbing) compensated for my own inability to cry-since my adolescence. 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings: and yet, while interpreting so much pain in music, I felt completely "safe."  After all, this was somebody else's pain I was exhibiting to the audience and not mine, right? Wrong! It was all about my own emotional pain, but in a disguised form. Thus, piano interpretation became a beautified mask behind which I could hide my own suffering and make it invisible to the others: or so I thought. 

But then, in 2002, I had a very profound experience with painting: from that day on, everything changed! My entire 'safe' little world collapsed, due to the insight of a remarkable painter I worked with for three months in his atelier. He saw right through my facade and made sure to break all resistance my "logical" self has constructed around me as a defence.  With one simple gesture, he threw me into the abyss of my subconscious and smiled with calm yet deeply professional satisfaction when he saw my rage over the results! 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings: the most severe form of child abuse is the neglect by its own mother at infancy. These are the recent findings of psychologists (Modern Attachment Theory) who, for decades, have completely ignored this form of abuse. Both sexes (of babies) are highly affected negatively by that: however, the daughter is the one who can hardly survive this emotional ordeal. What kind of a mother inflicts such an abuse? It is the Narcissistic Mother: the psychopath who believes that all world exists for her alone. What does a baby mean to such a psychopath? It simply means a severe "burden" or a mere nuissance. 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

About the subject of emotional child abuse much can be written. But this I leave to the psychology experts: I am just an artist. Thus,  here and now, I just want to give some insights to my readers as to "how" these paintings can be viewed. Note that, I paint using directly my subconscious forces in all its forms and hidden "layers:" thus, it takes for me some time to absorb and explain (even to myself!) what all this was about. 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings: Colour Symbolism

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings: there are several common elements that are present in all ten variations of this particular painting. These repeating elements are: the white lines, the black line/brushes, as well as the red and the gold surfaces. Further common colours used are: ochre, blue and green. There is, of course, a symbolism behind each element which I will try to analyse in a brief and, hopefully, understandable mode. 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

White lines: they are present in all 10 paintings and represent the "nurturing" milk that flows out of mother's breasts. I have emphasised the word "nurturing" for the following reason: usually, when a mother breast feeds her child, she does so out of love and genuine care. However, for the Narcissistic Mother, even this simple (and supposedly loving) gesture becomes "her" pride: it is "her" milk that is superior to all others (after the astonished doctors who have examined it under the...microscope!). It is "her" milk that has created such a beautiful and healthy child that was so admired at the clinic!

But, soon after, both wonder-mother and child come home...Enter: a different reality.

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

Soon after returning from the clinic, the child starts crying: this crying period will last for six months! The mother, duty-driven only, goes to the cradle to make sure whether the child is hungry or wet: she immediately "attends" to these needs. However, when the child just keeps crying (without "logical" reason), the mother just shuts the door behind her and lets her scream. Her verdict is: the child is "hysterical." 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

My father was never home; as a military officer, he had long hours of work and came home very late-usually bringing work to do as well. My brother was 8 years my senior, so he was at school when this was happening (my crying was taking place during day time mostly). How did I find out? My own mother bragged about it to ME, when I became an adolescent. She said that we used to have a neighbour, a simple woman, who (whenever my screaming started) would open her window and shouted to her: "Your child is screaming! Pick it up! What kind of a heartless woman are you? You are a monster!" To which my mother responded: "shut up, you stupid woman! I have home chores to do-I have no time to deal with her!" She told me this story, proud of herself and her 'disciplining me' and, many years after (as a grown up woman), I started wondering: "why, when I hear a kitten cry for its mother, I feel like my heart is breaking because I cannot bring it to my home and protect it? How could she, my mother, listen to my crying and not respond?"

She also used to brag about how, when her parents (during WWI), had to flee by train with their first child, her, 3 months old. My grandmother, 18 years old only, used to bathe her lovingly before night's sleep. But, this was a terrible journey, in the winter, and my mother started screaming. The other occupants of the train were annoyed and asked my grandmother to make her baby stop crying: to which my grandmother replied that the child wanted her bathing she was used to! So, in order to get some sleep, everybody gathered around her with their coats opened to keep her warm, brought coal from the engine of the train, warmed water and bathed her under these conditions! She slept immediately. So, no, she was NOT born in an abusive family: on the contrary, her parents adored her. But the narration of this event was done by my mother deliberately and with special PRIDE as to give me the following message: "look, I was WORTHY of all this attention. You, instead, are a NOTHING!"

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

In the last decades, child psychology has finally found out the reason behind this seemingly "disturbing" crying: the brain of the child is not yet fully developed (as it would be by a new born horse, for example). Were it developed enough, then childbirth would be impossible: a larger head would not be able to pass through. So, the first six months are extremely crucial to this development, indeed to such an extend that any neglect (by the mother's child) may be labeled as criminal. 

Western doctors who have taken the time to look at the upbringing of the new-born babies in the "undeveloped" countries, were astonished of how quiet and happy the babies are-as their mothers carry them on their back, while working at home or on the fields. 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

Black Lines/Brushes. The fear of absolute abandonment, by the neglecting mother, induces TERROR. The infant, at this early stage, is incapable of understanding the absence of her mother: thus, terror is created. Furthermore, the cortisol levels run on high, creating the Fight or Flight Response, inborn to the genes of all humans. Instead of being reassured that there is no danger, that her mother is there for her, the child is introduced to the beginning of an ENDLESS PATH OF DARKNESS: Absolute Loneliness. Later, throughout her life (daughters are the most vulnerable victims of this type of abuse), she will never be able to form a lasting-loving relationship with ANYONE (except with her father). As a final blow, her mother will undermine all of her daughter's approaches to other human beings (both friends and lovers, but also her own...father!). Luckily, the child will quickly understand who-is-who and that her father adores her: thus, he will be the ONLY figure in her life who will be capable of keeping her alive and sane. However, even he cannot protect her from the Deadly Beauty that has bewitched him: for he is under her spell (and believes all of her lies). Now, the murderous act of this "loving" mother is complete: the creation of a child and, later, a woman who is unable to accept or give love from (and to) anyone. For the child has faced (right at the very beginning of her life) "her" Absolute Truth: she is alone. She has been, is, and will always be alone. No-one will ever come to rescue her-if she faces danger. Therefore, wether she lives or dies, does not matter to her anymore. She becomes a permanent dweller in the Kingdom of DEATH.

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

Gold lines and surfaces. My mother was an incredibly beautiful blonde: her hair was lush, soft and golden. I used to adore her and thought of her as beautiful as an angel. And how much I longed for her love and approval! An approval which never came. She looked more like a Hollywood actress than an everyday mother. She was always well dressed at home, even wearing high heel shoes! She never had to do hard home chores: for this, my father hired a maid to help. Both my father and my older brother made no demands on her: they were loving and easy to please. In fact, hardly any other woman has been so adored by her family! Yet...that was not enough. Not for her! Her family would soon develop into her drama-stage with her being the producer, script writer, stage director and main character. We were to play the 'puppets', otherwise there would be punishment.

Golden hair is increasingly turning into an armour of copper: this is now the enemy, not a mother. She is the warrior who gets stronger and stronger by every new wound she deliberately imposes on her daughter, throughout her life. She is now the shield and the spear, and so does her daughter learns to be in order to survive. Red are the wounds inflicted. Red is the blood that runs from these wounds, over and over: for the sadistic pleasure of the mother, while inflicting them, has no end. The wounds are, of course, emotional: nothing to be seen from the outside. For everybody, including her husband, she is the "perfect mother": a saint. For the daughter, she is the guard of her prison. Her prison: a fairytale world of "perfection" where all pain and suffering must be endured and never be shown to the outside world. In fact, the outside world does not even exist! The mother has distorted reality to such an extend that, as this 'execution' has started so early on, the child cannot even conceive the existence of a different world: a world where children are loved by their mothers and PROTECTED from all forms of pain. 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

Blue. Life in the womb: peaceful and serene like living in an ocean of eternity. An eternity of non-existence that seems so alluring, as alluring as the World of the Dead. Blue, as Water.

Red. Childbirth: blood, painful exit to the the "outer" world. Red will, later on, mix with Black to become Nietzsche's Death Wish or Urge Toward Death (Todestrieb).

As I reached the age of four, as my mother told me in her older age, she made an attempt to hug me. She described how I took her hand, softly, and pushed it aside. For comfort had come just too late: I did not need her anymore. I was not a child, but a small warrior determined to survive at all costs. A warrior that learned that she should never allow her pain to be seen from others as Red (=blood) attracts only the SHARKS.

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

Red. Without knowing it, my mother had introduced me, at infancy (!) to the Initiation Rituals of the Great Mysteries. It is said that, in Ancient Egypt, the Initiation to the Great Mysteries was induced by FACING TERROR: often, the adepts were thrown into the Nile where they had to swim to the shore, among hungry crocodiles, and fight for their lives. This Fight or Flight Response can, indeed, lead to a "spiritual" shock. Something similar (but only in a symbolic way) is practiced even nowadays by the Masons. Thus,"mummy dear" created not a happy child, but a small (unwilling) Yogi. Unwilling, because a child never choses to become a Yogi: thinking about it now, I strongly believe in one in Nature that has 'saved' my life by triggering elemental Evolutionary Forces inherent in all human beings. As a born Greek, I have never liked the idea of Nirvana: Yogis sitting still for hours, days, months, years waiting for "enlightenment." Nirvana maybe a 'goal' for a people used to being exploited, however it has never been a goal for the Greeks. For the Greek people adore Life, and their 'gods' are also reflecting this Joy of Life. 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

Blue. At the age of 4 years old, I started sweating heavily on my palms and soles (Hypehidrosis). The sweating was almost constant (except for the night, when no conscious thinking was present). Still, the doctors call it a "dermatology" malfunction. However, we now know that when cortisol is on "high", sweating begins. So, my anxiety was 'switched on' at infancy (in Kundalini, it is the Fire or Red) and has never stopped since then! 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings

Gold. And, this tiny Yogi would soon had to face her first challenges in a 'spiritual world' filled with vast dangers-and, yet, she survived. She survived at the age of 9 years old, with no assistance at all, facing a six-month "meeting" with Kundalini. And she survived for one reason only: she knew she had to 'deal' with these frightening experiences ALONE. And, she was wise: had she turned for help to her mother, she (the "mother") would be so glad to put her into a mental institution (and come visit her "poor" daughter every day!). This child, luckily, remembered what her father had advised her: "when in doubt, use common sense." And this, common sense, saved her sanity. Needless to say that, after the survival of the six-month initiation ordeal, the opening of Kundalini at this young age "opened" all musical and artistic talents inherited by several members of her family. 

Deadly Beauty 03 Paintings: Conclusions

"It is a meddling with Fate, which strikes at the very roots of human existence and can let loose a flood of sufferings of which no sane person ever dreamed." 

Carl Jung

(in his introduction about Kundalini; The Tibetan Book of the Dead)